Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
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reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
me logging onto twitter
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.