Room with a view.
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Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
The sacred texts.