it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
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*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Oh yeah that’s it
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
All excellent questions
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Me trying to walk in a dream
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit