If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
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I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Boating season is upon us.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.