Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
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Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
incredible
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.