I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
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Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
oh u like geography? name every lake
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”