I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
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“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.