Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
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Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit