I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
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Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
In Canada they just call them geese
Imma just leave this here…………
no their not
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”