And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
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7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them