some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
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My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Why font matters.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time