I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
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Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.