fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
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Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.