I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
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ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
The French word for sex is croissant.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.