hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
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If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
I hope they boil the right one.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
🤔😂😂
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
the simulation is moving too fast
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.