This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
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Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take