When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
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5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
This probably isn’t good
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.