Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
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[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.