Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
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I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.