It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
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“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
When you’ve simply given up.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes