My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
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*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.