Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
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I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs