It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
You Might Also Like
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
i- i did not expect this
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”