i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
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4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Blew my mind.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?