Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
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Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
mumsnet is amazing
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.