I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
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Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now