I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
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[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper