[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
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Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?