Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
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Catercrombie & Fish
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
But is it really??