Cat.
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Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
and this one
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
and now we wait
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.