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I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
🤣🤣🤣
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
How I like cutting carbs
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.