Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
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How does one answer this?
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster