If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
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Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead