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I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.