toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
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Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.