My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
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Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You鈥檙e all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
I hear you鈥檝e been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I鈥檓 schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Hey sorry I can鈥檛 make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we鈥檙e going to go look at him
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Oh, you didn鈥檛 have any taste before Covid either, honey
Sure I鈥檇 love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 馃檪
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you鈥檙e still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I鈥檓 a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya鈥檒l hear something?
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Gar莽on: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
I tried to explain Pok茅mon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!