“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
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REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳