I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
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I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Cat is stressing him out.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
The photographer’s assistant
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
saving face 👀
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas