My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
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There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Every work meeting this week
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.