*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
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If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
The game has officially changed 😎
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?