My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
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[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know