Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
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NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern