Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
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Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.