GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
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You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Aw man, but that’s the best part
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.