I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
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Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”