[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
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90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
what the hell pray for carter everyone
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
I never know how much to tip a cow.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
This trial is so absurd 😭
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.