During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
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[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
pelicons
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what