My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
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Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.