I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
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This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Food gives you energy to nap more.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body