God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
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Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
brian had himself a morning…
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert